First Published: October 13th, 2008
Rating: PG
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Word Count: 14kb

Notes: Okay - this needs explaining. Please to be reading this before trying to make ANY sense of the fic.

I asked Xim to supply me with a list of prompts. The idea was, that while I was away at the weekend, I could use this list to write several small fics. She very kindly sent me a list, I added some others to it, and she even came up with some bonus words. So far so good. Except, that my crazy assed muses decided to come out and play that very night, and what ensued, was a mad crazy night of writing ONE fic, incorporating every single prompt word!!! In one way, this could be interpreted as a writing challenge exercise. It certainly isn't a serious attempt to write Torchwood fic! I hope you find it fun and silly. Oh, and this is the list, if you want to check I managed to hit each one:
backpack, desk, insect repellent, chap stick, cherries, booze, mirror, labyrinth, sprinkler system, hockey stick, buttons, pterodactyl, baby oil, allergy, cheese and onion crisps, London bus
And the bonus ones:
Soliloquy, Wallpaper, Priest's cassock, Parrot

Summary: One of the team is missing! Ianto and Jack go searching. Please note: THIS IS NOT A NAKED HIDE AND SEEK FIC. Sorry about that!

"It's been nearly a week, Jack. Something's wrong." Ianto tugged open Jack's desk drawer and began rummaging. Jack watched with a sardonically raised eyebrow as Ianto decanted the drawer's contents onto the desktop. Idly, he catalogued the growing pile of items. A chap stick, several HB pencils, a strip of condoms and some baby oil.

"You're worrying over nothing," he said. "She's fine."

A half empty packet of cheese and onion crisps, some insect repellent, three buttons from Jack's best shirt that he kept meaning to insist Ianto sew back on. After all it had been Ianto's fault they'd been ripped off in the first place....

"How can she be fine?" Ianto growled. "She hasn't eaten in days!"

"Have you noticed any rodent activity recently, Ianto?" Jack hitched his hip up onto what was left of his desk and scowled. "No? Hmmm, I wonder why not?" Ianto sometimes got a bit blinkered when he had an idea in his head, and Jack still hadn't figured out a sure fire way to snap him out of it.

Ianto glared at Jack in horror. "She wouldn't eat rats, Jack, She's got more class than that"

Ianto finally found the torch he'd been searching for and stuffed it into his backpack along with the large bar of dark chocolate, the flask of tea, and the 26 rashers of raw bacon already in there.

Jack sighed and followed Ianto out of the office, snagging his trusty hockey stick on the way out, just in case. "Okay, but I'm coming with you," he said. "The lower levels are like a labyrinth. Don't want you getting lost down there, do we?"

Gwen looked up from her computer as they went past. "Where are you two off to?" she asked, eyeing the hockey stick with deep suspicion.

"We're hunting wabbits," Jack quipped, in a passable Elmer Fudd voice.

Ianto poked him in the ribs. "Myfanwy's gone missing. Haven't seen her in days. I'm going to have a look for her, and Jack is... well Jack is being really annoying, actually."

"Ianto thinks she's starving to death somewhere in the bowels of the hub." Jack rolled his eyes. The big lizard was perfectly capable of looking after herself. She was probably off doing some dinosaur related stuff and would be back just as soon as her craving for chocolate overtook her.

"Oh, well here, take these," Gwen scooped a Sainsburys' bag from her desk and thrust them towards Ianto, who peered inside dubiously.

"Not sure pterodactyls actually eat cherries though Gwen. Thanks anyway."

"Shame," she sighed. "Rhys bought them the other night to eat in bed. He thought it would be sexy, but actually it was kind of messy, really. And now we need to replace the Egyptian cotton bed set his mother bought us for a wedding present."

Ianto's lip curled. "Bit more information than I needed, ta."

Ianto stuck his fingers firmly in his ears and scurried away as Gwen carried on regardless, "and then we discovered he has an allergy to cherries. The doctor thought it was helluva place to get a rash...."

Jack was making loud lalala noises, as he overtook Ianto. Gwen was still banging on about her dubious love life as they slid down the ladder. Jack lifted the grating that lead right down into the lowest levels. "Did I ever show you that trick with a cherry stalk?" he asked conversationally.

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Yes, you showed me. But if you remember, you didn't have any actual cherries at the time..."

"So I used your..."

A high-pitched screech cut Jack off before he could go into graphic detail.

Ianto clicked on the torch and set off at a lope. Behind him, Jack was complaining about the décor. "This place is really dismal, Ianto. Remind me to give it a lick of paint next chance I get. Maybe some wallpaper. An up-lighter or two maybe..."

Ianto ignored him. Myfanwy needed him.

As they rounded a corner, they were plunged into total darkness. Jack cannoned into him with a loud ‘oof'

"Shit!" Ianto shook the torch but it failed to come back to life.

"You didn't check the batteries did you?" Jack bitched. "How many times do I have to tell you people?"

"...Didn't check the batteries..." Ianto parroted in a derogatory high-pitched nasal voice.

He noticed that Jack was still plastered to his back, and under normal circumstances, he might have liked that happenstance, but right now, he had other things on his mind. A sharp elbow to the solar plexus took care of Jack's proximity.

He could hear some fumbling behind him, and then there was light. Jack held a small, disposable lighter aloft. The light from it was less than adequate until Jack pulled a wad of folded paper from his pocket and set fire to it.

"That looked important," Ianto frowned; trying to figure out which memo Jack had just immolated in order to light their way.

"Nah," Jack grinned, "It's just the soliloquy from Hamlet. The doctor left in on my desk last time he visited. No idea why."

To light, or not to light? That was the question. And while the burning sheaf of notes did a stand-up job of that for a time, the heat it produced had unforeseen disadvantages.

By the time they had made it to the large cavern in the centre of the lower levels, they were both soaked to the skin. Ianto snatched the sodden notes from Jack's fingers. "Who the hell installs a sprinkler system this far underground?" he growled.

"Hey don't look at me," Jack slicked his hair out of his eyes. "I came up with the mirror on the roof of the interview room, the flavoured condom dispenser in the toilets and team air-hockey every second Friday. The sprinklers must have been Tosh's idea."

Although the cavern they were in was huge, it had a weird luminescent glow lighting it. Ianto didn't have time to wonder where the glow was coming from because he'd spotted Myfanwy. He flattened himself to the wall and made his way towards his beloved pet. She was sitting on a stack of broken planks and rubble in a corner, making a teeth grating keening sound.

Jack shuffled up beside him. "Not dead then?" he hissed in Ianto's ear.

Sometimes he could be a complete bastard. "She's definitely thin," Ianto whispered back, not taking his eyes off the pterodactyl. "Probably dehydrated too, poor thing."

"She's a lizard with wings. Of course she looks thin. You want the chocolate locked and loaded?"


Jack swung him around and pressed his face to the wall, while his hands took the circuitous route to Ianto's backpack. Ianto bit his lip, but refused to be distracted by Jack's less than subtle groping.

Finally Jack whirled him back around and handed him the large slab of Bournville Dark. "You know, it's a shame to waste this on the reptile. I once knew this guy who could melt chocolate on his..."

"Jack... are those.... are those eggs!?"

Jack's mouth snapped shut and looked back over his shoulder, following Ianto's gaze. And sure enough, Myfanwy was carefully turning over two large, specked pterodactyl eggs. "Fuck!" he breathed. "Just like London buses."

Wide eyed, Ianto couldn't drag his gaze away from the pale blue eggs. "I don't follow."

"Well," Jack grinned. "You wait a few thousand years for one to come along, and then three come all at once!"

Ianto blinked slowly and shook his head. "Remind me again why I find you even remotely attractive?"

"Pheromones," Jack replied, "and my pert and rounded buttocks."

Ianto smiled fondly. "Right. Of course."

They left the bacon, chocolate and the flask of tea for the expectant mother and felt their way slowly back towards civilisation. Of course, the subject of who the father was would have to come up eventually, and the idea that there might be another prehistoric lizard flying around Cardiff stealing people's pet poodles was only marginally less disturbing than the idea that Captain John Hart might be doing the very same thing.

"We can't keep them," Jack whispered that night, lying in Ianto's arms. They'd broken out Jack's stash of booze and drank to the health of their latest charges. Ianto had drank rather more than was good for his health, but it wasn't every day you became an uncle to a dinosaur.

Jack swallowed Ianto's sigh of disappointment. "There isn't room down there for three of them and you know it."

Couldn't we build them some kind of habitat? Maybe on an island or something, far away from civilization?"

"Ianto, you did watch Jurassic park, didn't you? Not a good idea."

"You're not killing them Jack. I won't let you!"

Jack squeezed Ianto tight, "Hey, hey, who said anything about killing. I might know someone who could take them off our hands. I'd owe him a big favour though..."

Ianto sat up, a huge grin on his face. " Whatever it takes Jack, do it."

"Okay, but if I owe him, you owe me. Remember the Priest's cassock I wanted you to...."

Ianto nodded happily. "Deal"




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